So we were in bed after watching some Julia Roberts movie, when I turned to Jill and said,
“What’s your favourite Julia Roberts movie?”
She thought for a moment before replying,
“Not sure, but I didn’t like her movie ‘The Penguin Brief’.
“Don’t you mean ‘The Pelican Brief’?”
“Oh yeah” … she said, albeit a bit embarrassed.
We have one of those wireless doorbell things at our apartment, however the stick tape that holds it on the wall has become unsticky – and as such – it’s now placed on a little ledge rather than on our doorframe.
Anyway we had ordered some delivery when Jill looked at me and said with concern in her voice,
“How will the delivery man let us know he’s here if he can’t see where we’ve put the doorbell?”
Looking at my wife in the same way a nurse looks at a patient who is making morphine induced comments, I simply replied,
“He’ll knock on the door”.
P A U S E
“Oh yes. Bugger. That’s a Jillyism isn’t it?”
Oh yes my sweetheart, yes it is.
So my wife had just pulled an all-nighter and was trying to tell me why this project had been so hard.
“The problem is the company is so big, loads of people are involved in every decision and so the project goes all over the place. They’re like a frieght train and it’s so hard to steer”.
I looked at my wife and replied …
“But frieght trains are on tracks, you don’t have to do any steering”.
At least she had the good grace to laugh hysterically at her idiocy, but that could have been the tiredness.
So one morning I announced to my wife that our cat, Rosie, had woken me up by shouting in my ear.
“What did she say?” said Jill, all excited with her heart melting.
Looking at my wife with confusion in my eyes I replied, “Meow.”.
She scrunched up her face, turned over started muttering to herself, which – funnily enough – is exactly what I did too.
OK, so we’d had a big week, it was late and we were very, very tired – however that still doesn’t explain why Jill absent mindedly muttered …
“I wonder what my head would feel like if I couldn’t feel myself touching it?”
Shaking my head in disbelief and horror, I offered my head for her journey of discovery, only for her to look at me in disgust and reply …
“No, I want to feel what MY head feels like”.
Judging by this exchange, I’d say the answer would be a block of very thick wood.
So we were in bed, about to fall asleep when my wife said she’d like to go to the cinema in the morning. I mentioned the new Tom Cruise movie was out and she said …
“Oh yes, Valaraki, I want to see that.”
When I pointed out that as far as I knew, it was a WW II movie rather than a comedy set on some island in Greece she said, “I’m tired“, turned over and – quite rightly – went to sleep.
But that’s nothing compared to this car crash …
Before I start I should re-clarify that all Jillyim’s occur either just as she’s falling asleep or waking up but even then, this is so terribly bad … sad … and embarrassing, that the reality is she had an uber-Jillyism moment.
To be honest, the horror of her comment has led me to forgetting what the set up for this was, but what I can say is that at one point, she sat up and with an air of triumph in her voice, declared … “Yeah, yeah … but what’s the opposite of ‘good’?”
Rather stunned, I paused for a good few seconds before replying, “I think it could be a few things – but ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ would be a good start”.
At least she had the good grace to go bright red in the face and say she was stupid, but still … is this the worst Jillyism ever? I mean, even worse than the Seal one?
For some reason that escapes me, we were talking about Jean Claude Van Damme when I turned to my wife and said …
“So where does the ‘muscles from Brussels’ come from?”
She looked at me with a face that suggested I was a bastard for asking such a stupid question before answering …
“Antwerp?”
Does this count as grounds for divorce?
Mere seconds before falling asleep – and having watched some relevantish documentary earlier in the day – Jill turns to me and says,
“Before electricity, did ‘on’ buttons exist?”
I look at her with sadness in my eyes and reply,
“Do you think only products that use electricity can have an ‘on’ button? What about gas or stream driven machinery”
There was a pause as this sunk into her sleep-drenched brain before I heard,
“Good point. Night.”
Another fun-packed night in the Campbell household!
So we were lying in bed and as usual, as soon we turned the lights to go to sleep, the cat came in and settled at the foot of our bed.
“That’s amazing …” she said, “… how do you think she knows when we’ve turned the light off?!”
I looked at the woman I married and with slight despair in my eyes replied, “Because she’s got eye’s Jill.”
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From now on …
May 24, 2011… all the mad stuff my wife says will appear on Twitter under the hashtag #Jillyism.
There’s no real reason for this other than it’s easier and I’m lazy.
So keep an eye out for Jill’s magic mutterings and remember, this is what Jillyism is all about, she’s not really a mental case.
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